On the Road to Experience

Dear John is a letter to break up with a loved one. A Dear John letter is a letter written to a man by his romantic partner to inform him that their relationship is over, usually because she has found another lover. The man is often a member of the military stationed overseas, although the letter may be used in other ways, including being left for him to discover when he returns from work to an emptied house. It is usually sent after time-away on holiday.

In this case, it is because you have been married to someone else for 40+ years. And I still consider you the love of my life. In this letter, I will detail why. And hopefully, it will be a catharsis for me. A healing writing all of the things I’ve never said, wanted to say. A story to tell.

Last couple of years, I wrote romantic comedy screenplays in an attempt to deal with the loves of my life, you John, being at the top of the list. There were a few others besides you, of course. And yet, the memories of you and me together remain the ones with the most impact. The ones with the most meaning. And so I begin.

I had an odd dreamlike experience last night. As I was falling asleep, I heard myself say Hello out loud, audible. To who, I don’t know. Could have been to you or people on the other side. Ot to my Higher Self or God Goddess All That Is. Normally, I hear other people speak to me. This time it was me speaking to me.

And I did have a dream about you. I dreamt that you told me that you were going to come to me, into my bed and sleep with me after awhile. You had things to do. And when you were done, you would be along.

It seemed very normal except for the fact that your wife seemed to be in the other room talking. And I did not know what you were going to tell her. You were going away. You wanted to be with me now after all this time. Or you were going to lie to her.

We had an understanding back in the days when we were together. And I am sure that you must have one with her. But that is none of my business. It just seemed in the dream that I was concerned, wondering if I should anticipate the sheer joy of cuddling with you again. And cherish the idea of us kissing. It also seemed that you were going to be undressed, naked, and wearing nothing. And I would be in my usual sleep attire.

You would make fun of me for wearing socks to bed back in the day. I did not know what to expect from you in my dream. And yes, I relished the idea of us being together again in a bed. Between the sheets.

Years ago, we had an immediate connection in a telephone call. I wanted to find a Radical Feminist Therapy group and as a cosmic joke, a woman gave me the phone number that you answered. Puzzled that a man answered the phone, I proceeded to talk with you. And you invited me to a meeting that changed my life forever.

I had been seeking a community, a group of friends, people I belonged with for a long time. It was LA, I was from New York but it wasn’t only the place that made me feel alone. I had felt that way in New York and growing up in my family.

I dreamed of living on a commune with like-minded people. Growing food. Getting back to nature. Finding people I could connect with on a deeper level. And I was also searching for my lifelong career that I could commit to.

I related to the counterculture, flower children or hippies. There was no Haight Ashbury in LA where the hippies hung out. But I wanted Peace, Freedom, Love, Hope, happiness and a change from my dull, boring, meaningless life as a secretary. I wanted my own Summer of Love.

A home where I felt truly and completely myself. That would be ideal. Home where I felt totally unconditionally loved. Where I would find this magical place, I had no idea nor would I even have been able to express that inner yearning to be Me at the time. A hunger deep inside my heart for understanding, camaraderie, and people to laugh with and have fun with.

At the time, I had a few friends and boyfriends. Too many men were interested in me. Men who wanted to sleep with me but none that actually wanted to Get to KNOW me or who wanted anything more than a casual encounter. It was the 70’s and sex, drugs and rock and roll reigned.

There was ONE guy who I had met I don’t remember how. He was unique and very smart. And every so often we would get together and sleep together. We would cuddle. No sex. And there was no flirting nor sexual tension either and he never tried to persuade me to perform sexual acts with him. We talked a lot about various subjects and then just go to sleep. It was unusual. Other men were always trying to get into my pants. But not him.

I wasn’t really looking for a boyfriend when I met you, I was looking for far more than a romantic partner. And yet, there you were. When I went to the place you invited me to, there were a bunch of happy people speaking words of jargon I did not understand. It was a men’s and women’s group not at all like Radical Feminist Therapy.

After a time of sharing experiences, there was a break. The men would be together in one room and the women in another. At that time, you took me into another room and guided me through a very short visualization. It was impressive. I had been in therapy and group therapy for a couple of years and the short visualization we did, was more insightful.

Afterwards, you introduced me to Rannette. She was joyful, loving and I wanted to learn more about her and the work she was doing. I asked a lot of questions. And she said years later, that she could not get me to leave. I was there for hours trying to soak up what I could from her melodious laughter and smile and loving countenance.

And you introduced me to her.

I was looking for space and to find out who I am… but I did not know it. I just knew that I wanted to be with this amazing woman and group. She felt like Home to me.