Lazaris talks about each of the Enneagram personality type’s relationships with their parents (early relationships) and their drives, what they really want and their feelings, thoughts on how to get what they want based upon their relationship with parents. For instance, #4
From Feelings Not Aside
I’ve always wanted to feel like I belong—but not at the cost of losing myself.
Enneagram 4s desire to feel truly known. They want to belong. Yet, they also fear being ordinary or insignificant. Much of their life is a great paradox: They long to be invited to the party, but they also dread the idea of going. For 4s, life can feel like living with your nose pressed against the glass, wondering, “Will they ever see the real me?”
I’d somehow attributed value to my ‘outsiderness;’ part of me enjoyed being misunderstood. As you may know, 4s tend to romanticize sadness and seek out melancholy. This is why the imagery of my nose pressed against the glass resonated so deeply.
(OMG, As a kid, I actually spent a lot of time looking out the kitchen window watching the world go by outside wondering if I would ever belong. Spent too much of my youth wondering if I even belonged to the Human Race and having an Identity Crisis every other Tuesday… Who the XXXX Am I?).
From No, You’re Not Too Sensitive
You’re Too Sensitive. I also heard that all my life.
and I resonated to this: I cried as often as I laughed and my mood swings were vast and frequent. I was also easily influenced by the opinions of others. (Why do you think my newsletter is called Laughter and Tears?)
“I cry and laugh and scream and worry all before lunchtime.”
I'm tired of all the tropes telling me I'm "too much" and "a lot to handle."
“I am an empathic and emotionally-aware person. My superpower is my sensitivity.”
I didn't know how to explain that it wasn't popularity I was after, it was belonging. I wanted to feel accepted for who I was.
Lazaris talks about the importance of Belonging, feeling a part of a group, a community and I too longed for that. I fantasized that someday my real parents would come and get me and take me away with them to my Real Home where I would Finally Belong, Come Home.
Dr. Helen Palmer has a series of tapes with songs for each of the Enneagram Types and then a discussion from the Narrative Tradition about the type but it does not seem to be available anymore (at least on Amazon). For #4 the music is very Flamenco moody. #7 very jazzy, light and airy and so on. Perfectly matched to each type. I will try to find music/songs that go along with each type here.
Lazaris refers to each of the types as:
9 “the Peacemaker”,
8 “the Self-Reliant”,
7 “the Want to Have Fun/Avoid Pain”
6 “the Safety/Security”
5 “the Thinker”
4 “the Want to Be Special”
3 “the Achiever”
2 “the Want to Be Loved”
1 “the Make the World a Better Place
(Personally, I’ve not heard some of these but I asked for assistance with this list. Thank you to Heather McCorkindale and Luis Cardenas).
Triad of feeling: image, fantasy, shame)
# 2 wants to be loved, the helper. "If I can be loved by the powerful (dad), then I'll be fine" Humanitarian, generous, affectionate, possessive, manipulative.
# 3 Achiever, status seeker. "It's better to be loved by everyone (like mom)" "I'm going to take home all the diplomas" if I find someone who doesn't love me, I conquer it; if they have no achievement they act as if they have it. Adaptable, competitive, ambitious, image conscious, narcissistic, hostile.
# 4 Be Special, Creating Something Special, individualist, artist. Tragic Romantic "If I could only find out what is wrong with me, I could fix it and then they would love me - or my real parents will come and get me (and take me away) - it would be special." (Negative relationship with both parents). When stressed go into romantic fantasies and feelings are extremely important. Creative, intuitive, aesthetic, self-absorbed, introverted, depressive.
(BJ Thomas just died of lung cancer at age 78).
(Thinking / Doing Triad: Security, Anxiety, Fear)
# 5 Thinker, Researcher, "I do not understand, ambivalence (with my parents), I do not understand people, but if I manage to lock myself in my mind to understand the mechanism of life then ..." Analytical, perceptive, innovative, objective, eccentric, paranoid.
# 6 Safety, security,, "I distrust authority (my dad betrayed me) Now I'm not going to lower my guard, I have to control everything, so ..." They like the rules (they give security) "but just in case, I become phobic or counterphobic ”. Complimentary, charming, responsible, dependent, defensive, masochistic.
# 7 Adventurous, Enthusiastic, Generalist, Funny, “Don't stay in one place too long, don't make big commitments because it can be painful (like when mom abandoned me); You have to have a lot of candles lit, let's go for the surface and play… ”Optimistic, skillful, impulsive, excessive, manic.
(Instinct / Relating Triad: Resistance, Repression, Anger)
# 8 Self-reliant, Challenger, Leader, “I love people (my mom) but I hate their weakness, but if I take control and I am in charge, then…” “If I am the one who always makes the rules, then I will always gain control” Confident, determined, dominant, combative, destructive.
# 9 Peacemaker, Conciliator, "I love, (my parents) I am the projection that everything works, but I can not, I become cynical" nothing matters "So let's pretend everything is fine" Responsive, peaceful, reassuring , passive, complacent, negligent.
# 1 The one wants to be right, Reformer, "If I can follow (dad's) rules relentlessly, if I can be perfect, then (he) will ”love me… Rational, self-controlled, principled, perfectionist, punishing.